Hold Me Forever

Babies need to be touched, held, rocked, hugged and comforted. Although my little cousin is two, he still wants his mother to hold him. I have seen them do this and it is the sweetest thing.

When I was growing up there times when I wanted to be held. I grew up living with my grandparents who did not show affection towards me because “I was not their child”. I did not belong to my parents either, because they gave me away. I really do not know whom I belong to, I always felt that no one really wanted me.

However, there was one person. My Godmother who lived far away always made me feel, that she wanted me. For a week every summer she would take me to her house in the country and every winter, she would take me to her house in the mountains. We used to go strawberry picking in the summer and go skiing in the winter. I loved being with her so much.

I remember that there was always a rocking chair in her room. I used to sleep next to her. When I would have bad dreams she would sit with me in the rocking chair and hold me until I fell asleep. I remember that so vividly, her gentleness and how safe I felt in her arms. It was something that I had never experienced before, and we liked it a lot. It was very different from when I had bad dreams at home. I think being with her is what good special feels like. I always pretended that I was her child.

I have been thinking about my Godmother a lot lately. Maybe because she was the only true family member I had. She rescued me during childhood. She made me know what good touch and feeling safe was. When it was time to go back home I would always be so sad and would ask her if she could hold me in her rocking chair one last time. That is how we would end every week for as long as I can remember.

For those two weeks every year, I was safe, and I felt like I belonged.

I miss her a lot since she died, sometimes I visit her grave and I talk to her. I write her letters about everything. It has been almost ten years. I have her name tattooed on my body because she is my angel.

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5 thoughts on “Hold Me Forever

  1. Oh, God, I cried reading this. My Grandmother was like your God Mother – they must be from the same heart. My parents never touched me. My grandmother always touched me, physically, emotionally, lovingly. I am happy that you still talk to her, I talk to my Grandma, too. Her grave is about 100 yard from my front door.

  2. Ivory,

    I’m so glad your Grandmother was like my Godmother. During the bad times I used to pretend that I was with her even when I wasn’t. She gave me something that no one else did, good love.

    When she died I was so heartbroken. But I was greatful for those years that I did have her. I don’t believe in god but I believe that theres someone that looked out for me by giving me my Godmother.

    I’m happy you still talk to your Grandmother too. As those important people in lives taught us that the world isn’t just about hurt, and evil. There is good somewhere and we got to experience it when we needed it the most.

    Thanks for commenting, It meant alot. Take Care, Be Well.

    Hope

    • Hey thesamesky,

      Thanks, she is/was amazing. I was so lucky to have had her in my life. My parents/grandparents may never give/gave me what I need like emotionally wise.

      But my parents are paying for my therapy right now so I am greatful for that. Even if they are paying for it for the wrong reasons, its okay.

      Good to hear from you, Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

  3. Pingback: The Sunset That Captured My Heart « Hope for Trauma

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