Evil Lives In My House

I have learned that evil does truly exist and it resides in my home.

The last few years many people in my life are not who I thought they were. The ordinary people are not actually like what they presented to me previously. Many things were revealed that make me realize what kind of people they actually are.

The last people I would expect this from were the first people to do it.

 I see those games they play. The manipulative tactics used and the fakeness towards everyone on the outside. They ask, “Why I distance myself from them” but they already know the answer to that. I was given away because I was not planned and not wanted. Then when it was convenient, was taken back.

They think paying for all this therapy is going to change me back to “that person”, I was before; I think they had better ask for their money back.

I am not going to change back to that person and nor do I want to go back to that person. My so-called family does not get to choose who I become now, I do. I will not be like them or anyone in their family that is for sure. They make it very clear that I am not like anyone.

The damage is done now and no one can go back.

I did not sign up to be traumatized but it happened and I am choosing to heal. I am thankful for the money I am getting for therapy but I do not like being told I am a burden because of it.

However, this is my favorite thing of all, buy my siblings cars for their birthdays and do not buy me one because my parents already bought me something, down payments for inpatient hospitalizations. When I get my PhD, I will pay them back, not because I feel bad. Because I do not want them to be able to say that, they helped me in anyway.

They do not get to benefit from my success. My therapist told me something I had never heard before she said that my family is lucky that I choose to have a relationship with them after what they did to me. It sounded good but weird at the same time. I did not realize that I had a choice; I just thought I had to have a relationship.

My family hurt me and continues to hurt me. Right now, I choose not to forgive them because they are not sorry. However, it could change, as I cannot predict the future.

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8 thoughts on “Evil Lives In My House

  1. there’s so much i have felt/feel in this post. i don’t really have the words for it all right now but i do think that making such choices for yourself, because they are yours now, even if once they probably seemed as though they could never be, is a courageous and necessary thing. and i hope you know you’re not alone, even if it’s hard to know that sometimes.

    *safe hugs*

    • Catatonic Kid,

      Thanks for the kind words. I’m still trying to take in what I wrote. I shouldn’t dispise my family but I do. This feels so new and I’m not sure. I do feel alone alot of the time but it’s nice to know I’m really not.

      Thanks for commenting. Take Care, Be Well.
      Hope

  2. Hi, Hope –

    I am proud of you for choosing healing.

    I hear what you are saying about forgiveness . . . that you aren’t willing to give forgiveness to your family because they haven’t yet earned it.

    Would you be willing to consider detachment? Not forgiveness, but detachment from how they are behaving?

    By managing your behavior in a healthy way despite how your family behaves (in other words, not allowing their behavior to dictate your behavior, and not trying to affect their behavior by withholding connection), it may bring you a level of peace that I’m not hearing in what you wrote.

    Just a thought . . .

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

    • Marie,

      I really have never thought about detachment because I didn’t know that I could choose anything. But I’m going to think about that because I don’t want to dispise them but right I do.

      As I re-read what I wrote there is no peace, just anger. Thanks for the thought :)

      Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

  3. Hope,

    yes, Yes, YES!!! You have choices, don’t ever loose site of that.

    They have choices, too, and unfortunately they choose to hurt you. I hope you choose to be undeterred by the negativity they show. Choose to see them for who and what they are every time they are mean. It can shed a new light on how you react to them. It can go from beaten, to anger, to pity. When you pity someone for being so ignorant, you aren’t hurt by it. Above all, remember that you have a choice in EVERYTHING. I am so proud because you are so strong!

    • Ivory,

      Thanks I don’t always feel so strong. But I think with time it will change. I want to get to that stage where I just pity them for being ignorant. I’m so tired of wasting time with dealing with family stuff.

      I like having choices sometimes. But other times choices overwhelm me. I need to find a middleground.

      Thanks for commenting. Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

  4. A child deserves to be protected. When a child is not protected it is a failure. A catastrophic failure. I would like my parents and the world to face and admit that they failed. I do not think that they can face it they are not strong enough.

    I believe that my family would be sorry if they were strong enough to face reality.

    Most clever and brave to not predict the future with your family. You have so many reasons to write any future with you family off.

    I do not expect my family to grow or change. They are not making any effort so it will not happen.

    • Michael,

      It would be nice if the world and parents would admit that they screwed up. But I think that would mean that they would have to admit that there are people who abuse kids. And I think that realness scares people.

      My family continues to give me reasons to never talk to them again but something hold me back. I have no idea what it is but its something. I don’t expect them to change either but I just think I want connection with people even if its a negitive connection.

      Thanks for commenting. Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

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