Unspoken Truth

The word truth has very many meaning.

Truth could be what you want to believe and tell others. On the other hand, your truth could be what you tell yourself. The truth can be sugar coated or very blunt. Truth can be a very personal thing. It can be something that you keep secret from the world or something that you tell others. The word truth can have infinite meanings.

When children are young, they are sometimes told to always tell the truth because lying is bad. Lies come in different colors, shapes and sizes. I also heard this before “the truth will set you free”. In my opinion, my truth has not set me free. I feel far from free. My truth has made things complicated.

Everyone around me is learning about my truth. My family does not like my truth because it is ugly. I am finding that telling my truth is not always the most accepted thing.

The truth hurts, but can be so nice to hear sometimes when you have been fed bullshit all your life.

My truth sounds so different coming from others. Today my therapist said aloud some things that happened in the past. It sounded so different coming out of her mouth, even though it belongs to my body. I just laughed when she said it because I had no idea what else to do. It is obviously important to me because I have been thinking about it since I left her office.

When I think about it all my parts are pieces of my truth. So I guess my life is not a lie, I just chose to tell my truth differently than others. I created a whole internal system based on my truth. My truth is held by all my insiders.

One of my abusers is still alive and was a part of my so-called family and going to die soon. I have avoided this person since I remembered my truth, so I now had to decide what I am going to do at the death. I thought about this long and hard for so long and I finally came to a decision that I was not going to attend the funeral when it happens.

I recently told my mother that I was not attending the funeral. I had planned to give her a letter I wrote but I wanted to tell her in person so she could see the seriousness in my eyes. I told her and she wanted to know specific details of what how this person traumatized me…

I thought to myself that it is my choice if I tell her the details of my abuse. I do not believe sharing details with family members is helpful. In addition, I do not really think my family could handle the truth. Truthfully, I cannot really handle it myself. I struggle with figuring out if my truth is real because my truth sounds so bizarre in my head.

I have not spoke my truth to my therapists yet. They have seen my truth through flashbacks and artwork. I cannot speak my truth as an adult, child parts tell their truth in therapy but I do not feel like it is mine. I think that is why I laughed when my therapist said a part of it today because I do not claim that truth. That truth is scary and that would make it extremely real.

I have not found my meaning of truth yet. The truth that my insiders claim does not belong to me right now. I hope finding my truth helps me to make sense of everything in my past and present.

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2 thoughts on “Unspoken Truth

  1. You are working very hard. I can tell you are dedicated to healing.

    I do not yet own all of my life. I do not talk about it much to other people. I gave that a shot and it was not helpful. I feel most people see trauma as sexual abuse and that SRA is not only sexual abuse.

    The truth for me is dynamic. It changes with my understanding. This does not mean my past truths were false only that I have a new understanding. I do not expect this to ever stop. I hope my understanding continues to grow.

    • Michael,

      Thanks for the kind words. It doesn’t feel like I am getting anywhere with this healing thing.

      I think always learning and understanding is a very important part of healing.SRA is just unexplainable and I don’t know if I will ever understand it.

      I do not plan on sharing any details of abuse with anyone other than my therapist. I just dont want anyone to question me about it. I question myself about it because it seems so twisted.

      Thanks for commenting. Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

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