“Getting better doesn’t mean feeling better”

Recently something happened to me. I have no idea what it is but something changed. I feel like I woke up. It is a difficult feeling to describe.

It is as if I just entered my body. It is as if I can feel my life. Like this skin that has not belonged to me is mine now. Everything feels different even though it is the same. My outer shell and I finally connected.  My fellow survivor describes this amazingly, “I walked outside and I felt the wind touch the skin that now belongs to me”.

It is hard for me to see change. I feel like everything’s the same but today I realized it is not. I am very different but it is okay for me to be different. A few weeks ago, I said I feel like I am an outsider and intruding on my family. I realized that I truly am an outsider because my family did not experience what I did but I think that I am sometimes okay with being an outsider.

When I was in the hospital last September, someone said something I remember, “Getting better doesn’t mean feeling better”. I find that to be so true, healing is scary. Working through this is so painful and I would much rather go back to being numb. My best friend said something funny this weekend she said, “I’m losing my ability to dissociate and I hate it”. As she said that, I thought to myself I hope that never happens to me. That sounds bad to think but it is the truth. I have dissociated for over twenty years, and I do not think I want to stop.

Dissociation is my comfort, my special thing I get to do to get away. I think of it as my security blanket that no one can ever take away. In addition, I am taking that security blanket away by going to therapy. That sounds like self-sabotage to me :)

I think of healing as if I am learning to color outside the lines and not becoming a statistic. Healing from this is something that I am choosing.

However, why does it feel so scary if it is my choice…

I am a creature of habit. I do everything the same, I eat the same foods, listen to the same songs repeatedly. I do not like change. I fear change. Change is scary, unpredictable and I have been trying to run away from it for as long as I can remember. So why now am I paying a professional to help me change.

I have so many questions that I need answers for and no one will tell me. I even googled my questions and it did not give me a straight answer. I guess I have to find the answers that I like.

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6 thoughts on ““Getting better doesn’t mean feeling better”

  1. Change takes such courage. There is no way to know where it will lead. It is the nature of true change in my experience.

    Often for me it is doing better so I am able to handle doing worse. That is not fun.

    • Michael,

      I feel like im waiting for everything to crash and burn again. It feels wrong to feel a little improvement. Change does take alot of courage your right. I thought healing would feel good, but it doesnt feel good at all.

      Thanks for your comment

      Hope

  2. Hope,

    Healing, for me, began to feel good when I could trust that it was for real, and that it wouldn’t be another rug pulled out from under me at some opportune moment. That takes time, and the waiting for it sucks. But it does come.

    You said, “I am a creature of habit. I do everything the same, I eat the same foods, listen to the same songs repeatedly.” I hate change, too, but even after getting through it, I still do everything the same, eat the same foods, listen to the same songs repeatedly. :) (And I thought it was just me who did that!) Not everything has to be changed.

    Sarah

    • Sarah,

      Thanks for commenting.

      Healing’s defination should be an individual decision as you said. I think that is what makes it so confusing and scary. Theres no concrete answer.

      And no one can answer the question of what is it for us, because the whole point of it can be to find your own answer. Thanks for sharing your idea of healing with me :)

      Its good to hear that everything doesnt have to change. And I too thought I was the only one who listen to my new downloads on itunes at least a few hundred times lol. We go to a few select restraunts,coffee shops and they always know what we want even without asking. Habits are oh so convenient!

      Good to hear from you. Take Care.Be Well.

      Hope

  3. You’re absolutely right.Getting better doesn’t always feel great.Everything you said,I could totally relate too.You said it all perfectly.I keep comfort items sitting around for when I need them-a blanket,a stuffed toy, a cross someone just gave me.They help alot.Take care&please keep writing.

    • Hey Buffalopine,

      Its good to hear from you. Thanks for your kind words.

      I used to have alot of comfort items but one of my parts distroyed them all :( I haven’t replaced them yet because I want to wait till it calms down a little bit inside.

      I am going to keep writing because I helps me alot. My parts like to distroy thing and this blog they really can’t distroy. Its awesome when I talk to people who can relate because then I don’t feel so alone. Thanks for commenting.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

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