Recently something happened to me. I have no idea what it is but something changed. I feel like I woke up. It is a difficult feeling to describe.
It is as if I just entered my body. It is as if I can feel my life. Like this skin that has not belonged to me is mine now. Everything feels different even though it is the same. My outer shell and I finally connected. My fellow survivor describes this amazingly, “I walked outside and I felt the wind touch the skin that now belongs to me”.
It is hard for me to see change. I feel like everything’s the same but today I realized it is not. I am very different but it is okay for me to be different. A few weeks ago, I said I feel like I am an outsider and intruding on my family. I realized that I truly am an outsider because my family did not experience what I did but I think that I am sometimes okay with being an outsider.
When I was in the hospital last September, someone said something I remember, “Getting better doesn’t mean feeling better”. I find that to be so true, healing is scary. Working through this is so painful and I would much rather go back to being numb. My best friend said something funny this weekend she said, “I’m losing my ability to dissociate and I hate it”. As she said that, I thought to myself I hope that never happens to me. That sounds bad to think but it is the truth. I have dissociated for over twenty years, and I do not think I want to stop.
Dissociation is my comfort, my special thing I get to do to get away. I think of it as my security blanket that no one can ever take away. In addition, I am taking that security blanket away by going to therapy. That sounds like self-sabotage to me :)
I think of healing as if I am learning to color outside the lines and not becoming a statistic. Healing from this is something that I am choosing.
However, why does it feel so scary if it is my choice…
I am a creature of habit. I do everything the same, I eat the same foods, listen to the same songs repeatedly. I do not like change. I fear change. Change is scary, unpredictable and I have been trying to run away from it for as long as I can remember. So why now am I paying a professional to help me change.
I have so many questions that I need answers for and no one will tell me. I even googled my questions and it did not give me a straight answer. I guess I have to find the answers that I like.