All or Nothing..

At this moment in time, I am doing many things to distract myself. I am taking 16 credits this semester at school, I am going to therapy three to four times a week, and I am working part-time. Recently I stopped to think about all I am doing. I realized that I might be distracting myself too much.

I have just recently returned to school, I did not transition into school, as I should have. Instead, I took as many classes as my parents would pay for. In therapy right now, I am doing abreaction work because I do not want to have flashbacks at school. However, I think that my therapist and I may be digging, but right now, I am functional. At work I really cannot stand being around people that I do not know, so I work one day a week in the office by myself.

As I ask myself, where do I draw the line between distraction and avoidance I remember back before I remembered and I lived the same lifestyle, all or nothing. Right now, I am living with my parents and my siblings, which is difficult because they are tied to my abuse. It is hard for me to show myself as imperfect in front of them, so I choose not to. They see an alter who is perfect in their eyes; she is just like my older sister (which they love).

While doing all this there is very little time for being social. Back in May, we started having a hard time, and we decided to cut all contact off with friends and family. Our friends tried to contact us but we refused to answer. In the past few weeks, we started having limited communication with them.  

This weekend was Halloween, and it is hard for us and our therapist was on vacation for two weeks prior and during Halloween. Therefore, that added another obstacle on to it. We had no therapist, no friends, and no family communication. Add in the equation, little or no sleep, 5 college classes, midterms and family issues. We felt that we did not have any way to seek support if needed.

Throughout our hibernation period from social contact, we deeply missed our friends, because for the most part they understand us better than anyone does. We decided to swallow our pride and apologize to them. It has been different with our friends because we lost five months with them, they have needed us and we were not there for them. We feel bad for not being there for them, but we cannot change the past. The only thing we can do is try to be a good friend right now in the present.

We spent the weekend with our best friend; it was good catching up. Watching intervention episodes, and just being ourselves. We have so much in common with this one friend, she understands DID because she is a survivor too. We have both had hard times recently and I wish I had not cut her off because I could have helped her. However, we realized that we could support her now and that is what we intend on doing.

The best part of my weekend was getting my new pets. My fish are pretty they are three boys. The boy’s names are Sigmund, Ivan and David. After psychologists of course! My friend has yet to name hers, but I am anxiously awaiting their names. Nevertheless, they arrived home safe and are now swimming freely.

As I start the week tomorrow and go back to therapy this week, I am trying to figure out my next move. Thinking about school, work and therapy. Am I in over my head? That I do not know. I think as long as I have people (friends) in my life that will support me no matter what I should be okay. I hope

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5 thoughts on “All or Nothing..

  1. I support you.

    Sometimes being too busy is what you need. It’s sort of like being in a coma while your body begins to heal. During my divorce, full time college, major surgery, the death of my father, etc., my T convinced me to continue with my classes. I had to drive for an hour just to get to the University. I was eternally stressed and eternally tired, but he knew I needed it to get thru the pain and trauma of my reality. Also, during that time, I began working thru my personal issues of abuse, a little at a time because of the constant interruptions. It worked for me, it wasn’t easy, but it worked. Maybe it will work for you, too.

    Just please don’t pull away from your friends. When you do that, you take away their chance to help you in one of the only ways they know how – being there, listening, crying with you, and taking you shopping. ((hugs))

    • Ivory,

      Thank you for your support.

      School is the only thing keeping me together right now. I’m just worried that if I stay at home with my family I will breakdown. I can feel it comming and it terrifies me.

      I feel so stuck right now and I don’t like it. I need to figure out a game plan asap.

      Thanks again..

      Hope

      • Yes, Plan B is a must. I couldn’t have done it in the arms of my family. THEY were part of the problem. Is there anyway you can get out on your own? Do you have to share space with anyone? It is not good to feel stuck.

  2. It is hard to tell what is to much and to little. I just guess and then when I am wrong I know I could not know. When guess right it is because I am clever. Smile

    Some times I need to be away from people. I ‘disappeared” from everyone for 6 months. I am thinking of doing it again. This time I will write as I know I will be back.

    Journey on,

    Michael

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