Past, Present and Future

These past three and a half years have been difficult, to say the least. Nearly two years in and out of general psych units, specialized trauma hospitals and day programs. Many therapists, psychiatrists, and everything in between.

Lies have been exposed, images have been ruined and relationships have ended. Figuring out that my childhood is lost, more like stolen away from me. All kinds of food, color, texture aversions. Misdiagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to bipolar. Coming to terms that I am the black sheep.  

Apparently, there is a pill for almost everything. Realizing that chatter in your head is not “normal”, and that I cannot have my shampoo in my room because it contains alcohol and I may drink it. Talking in third person is necessary as to not offend any of the insiders.

Strings and shoelaces are non-existent. Vocabulary consists of acronyms and abbreviations. The “quiet room” does not have anything to do with a library. “Safety” determines where you sleep at night and when you get to go home.

It seems as though my whole life I lived it outside my body, watching it like a movie.

I had accepted the fact that Dissociative Identity Disorder has not given me any positive things until now. I do not know who came forward but somehow, we have managed to get ourselves together enough to go to school again. It has not been an easy transition from hospital life to college life, except maybe the shoes laces…

Nevertheless, I have learned so much about myself in the past three years, developed a passion for studying psychology and writing. Although friendships have been strained, my true few have remained faithful. I know that I am in no way done with my journey, but for the first time in a long time, I feel independent. I am not working towards wellness for anyone else but me.

I have been told all my life that I was never good enough for anything. That I am always wrong and I am bad. I will always be the mistake that my parents made and I am the reason people have abortions.

However, yesterday my professor approached me and said that I have something to offer people, and it would be a shame if I did not pursue a career in psychology. That was the first time in my life that someone has told me that I can be something. My life does actually have a purpose and that I am intelligent. My voice has finally been heard and validation never felt so good.

I have so many projects that I want to do. Non-profit organizations, book collaborations, and so much more. Nevertheless, none of this would have been possible without my highly intricate and specialized way of surviving the past. 

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11 thoughts on “Past, Present and Future

  1. Hope,
    You know you’ve always been a success story to me, first for surviving, and now, thriving. I have had great respect for you since the first day I met you, even before we became friends. Your life has always had purpose even in the days before you realized how much potential you have, and how phenomenal your achievements have been, already.

    I am your fellow “black sheep”, and I haven’t put my laces back in my pumas since the last time I had to take them out. And I think you’re completely correct to say that we have a unique perspective bc we survived our past, and in many ways, we will be able to share our strength and intelligence in helping others in ways that others cannot bc of our experiences in life. No matter how hard it has/had been to get through it. And we’re still getting through it. One day at a time, and together.

    Love, your fellow black sheep from the “perfect family”,
    Joy, who both loves and hates how corny my online identity is lol

    • Joy,

      Thanks, for everything. Even when you didn’t really know me yet. You defended me, when everyone was doubting me. You validated me.

      You saw me at my very worst and you stayed my friend, gave me support during it all, you kept it real with me when I need realness. You reached out to me during my recent hibernation, even though you were hurt.

      From the very beginning you have stood by me, held my hand, and gave me something I have never had before, a friend I could relate to. I can say endless good things that you have brought to my life.

      No matter what chapter we start or end in our journey, we will always do it together. So I say embrace that we are “black sheep” in the “perfect family”. After all we will always be rebels.

      I can never thank you enough for doing everything you do. You are amazing and you are my sister survivor. Journey on my friend journey on…

      Love, your partner in crime lol.
      Hope

  2. I saw that you were following me over at Twitter and so I came to look at your blogs. This entry is such a succinct snapshot of the healing journey. Thanks for sharing. If you’d like to share even more, I’d like to encourage you to submit this post to THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE which has a deadline of midnight tonight (US-Pacific time) for a Friday edition we’re having. I can tell–just from this one post alone–that you, indeed, have a lot to offer, as your professor said. Details about the carnival are on the handy widget on the sidebar of my blog.

    Blessings to you on your healing journey.

    • Hi Marj,

      Thanks for commenting. It is good to hear from you! Thank you for the encoragment..it is much appreciated by all :)

      I sometimes find the word “healed” to be condescending. Healing in the past tense says that our journey is over. But when we start healing our journey has just began. Survivors have so much to offer to everyone, regaurdless of their past.

      Along my journey, I have met the most intelligent and compassonate people. And they are my fellow survivors, the strongest people I have ever met.

      Thanks for telling me of this opportunity to share my thoughts, and my journey with others.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

    • Hey artconstellation,

      Welcome to my blog, thanks for commenting. Its really cool to meet people who acually read my blog. You should check out the blogs on my blogroll, there are some very intelligent and intresting people on the blogosphere right now.

      Healing is a something I like to call a beautiful disaster. Its painful and long. I think healing is more of a life process in which we all choose a path to follow.

      And as I said to Marj in the comment above:I sometimes find the word “healed” to be condescending. Healing in the past tense says that our journey is over. But when we start healing our journey has just began.

      There are many pro and cons to healing but I think the bottom line is that we (survivors) now have choices. We have control now..well somewhat :)

      Thanks for reading, It was good to hear from you.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

  3. You have much to offer, I’m glad you are out there doing it. Great blog, I will be back!

    Oh, and on your previous post about David Rosenhan. I read his research and I can understand fully how that would happen. As good as my T is with me, there have been a few things I’ve had to go round and round about as he believes what he wants to sometimes and not what really is…

    • Ivory,

      Thankyour for your kind words. Its really good to talk to you!

      Sometimes the media and other things influence peoples ideas and direct their thinking. Even when it may not be the case. Rosenhan’s study is really intresting and I really wanted to write about it as my paper topic.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

  4. Wow! You’re fast! Thanks so much for letting us use this excellent post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I know the deadline was coming up fast by the time I made the suggestion, so I appreciate the effort.

    I’ve been doing an intensive therapy marathon this week that will go into the next week, so I apologize–I’m a little behind on this. But, I want to read a lot of your posts here. I also want to encourage you to enter more blog carnivals. We usually have one every month. Next month, I’m going to host it at my own blog as it is World Day for The Prevention of Child Abuse on November 19. I’m also hoping after I catch up a bit after next week, to be more active over at Twitter and check out some of your Tweets. See you around the blogosphere! ;)

    • Marj,

      Its is really awesome to be a part of the blog carnival. Thanks for this opportunity, and the encoragement to enter more blog carnivals.

      I wish you well with your theraputic marathon :) I only hope that I can find a blog entry that would be appropriate for the November edition on your blog.

      Sorry I can’t talk more. But I’m away for the weekend visiting my best friend.But I will definatly talk to you soon.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

  5. Wow…such inspiration! There is a way to live and find ourselves. Thank you for this share into you experiences. I’m not alone, you show me this and hope has a real place in this life.

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