The joy and innocents of a child is so beautiful, tonight as I watched my baby cousins walk towards me I felt that joy. I saw that innocents. I heard their contagious laughter, their talk of all that is silly. The babies that I speak of are far from babies, they are seven, four, and two. My little monsters as I sometimes call them make me feel that some type of good and innocents actually exists.
To be perfectly honest, I am jealous of these three boys. They have a better childhood than I had. They will get to have friends, play normal childhood games and grow up with love surrounding them. When I think about what they have, I get mad that I never had that. I think of my abusive childhood and adolescents and realize that now I am damaged goods. The “specialness” that I thought was good changed my life forever. My childhood that is gone. It was over before it even started.
When I was a child, I did not know there was anything else but abuse. I had no idea what other kids had. Which I suppose was a good thing. I think if I would have seen others experiencing their carefree childhood, safe from abuse it would have felt worse. Therefore, with that I am thankful that I never had others to compare myself to.
As I got older, I did eventually go to school and I saw other kids. In addition, I quickly learned that they were not like me at all. I did not know that I was abused but I just knew things were different for me. Some part of me would draw weird stuff in art class and the teacher would always call home. My grandparents respond that I just had a “vivid imagination”.
All throughout my life, I always felt out of place. I never knew why. I did not know my childhood was not “normal”. If I knew then what I know now, my life would be very different.
When I get jealous of “my little monsters”, I think that I am helping them write chapters of their life story. I can give that what I never had. I can show them they have choices. I can make them feel special in a good way. I can be silly along with them. I can let my child parts come out and experience what real childhood is along with the boys. “My three little monsters” are so special to me. I love them, accept them, and always protect them.
Throughout all the depression, hopelessness and sadness, “my little monsters” give me something that no amount of therapy can. They give me a real life definition of innocents. They bring joy to me on the darkest of days. For that, they disserve only the best and that is what I intend on giving “my little monsters”.