“My Little Monsters”

The joy and innocents of a child is so beautiful, tonight as I watched my baby cousins walk towards me I felt that joy. I saw that innocents. I heard their contagious laughter, their talk of all that is silly. The babies that I speak of are far from babies, they are seven, four, and two.  My little monsters as I sometimes call them make me feel that some type of good and innocents actually exists.

To be perfectly honest, I am jealous of these three boys. They have a better childhood than I had.  They will get to have friends, play normal childhood games and grow up with love surrounding them. When I think about what they have, I get mad that I never had that. I think of my abusive childhood and adolescents and realize that now I am damaged goods. The “specialness” that I thought was good changed my life forever. My childhood that is gone. It was over before it even started.

When I was a child, I did not know there was anything else but abuse. I had no idea what other kids had. Which I suppose was a good thing. I think if I would have seen others experiencing their carefree childhood, safe from abuse it would have felt worse. Therefore, with that I am thankful that I never had others to compare myself to.

As I got older, I did eventually go to school and I saw other kids. In addition, I quickly learned that they were not like me at all. I did not know that I was abused but I just knew things were different for me. Some part of me would draw weird stuff in art class and the teacher would always call home. My grandparents respond that I just had a “vivid imagination”.

All throughout my life, I always felt out of place. I never knew why. I did not know my childhood was not “normal”. If I knew then what I know now, my life would be very different.  

When I get jealous of “my little monsters”, I think that I am helping them write chapters of their life story. I can give that what I never had. I can show them they have choices. I can make them feel special in a good way. I can be silly along with them. I can let my child parts come out and experience what real childhood is along with the boys. “My three little monsters” are so special to me. I love them, accept them, and always protect them.

Throughout all the depression, hopelessness and sadness, “my little monsters” give me something that no amount of therapy can. They give me a real life definition of innocents. They bring joy to me on the darkest of days. For that, they disserve only the best and that is what I intend on giving “my little monsters”.

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7 thoughts on ““My Little Monsters”

  1. Hope,
    I really enjoyed reading your post. And I can completely understand your intrigue, love, and also envy of your little cousins. You are not “damaged goods” and you know that. Your logical mind knows that, your emotion mind does not, it’s only a matter of time and work before your wise mind says, “none of this was my fault and while I may have been hurt, I am in no way damaged”. If you were damaged, you would not be able to accomplish some of the amazing things that you have so far, and what is to become of you in your future.

    I understand the special feeling you described, because that is how any child brainwashed into thinking the abuse was normal, so they wouldn’t speak up would feel. And while most of my memories are repressed, and are in flashback form; I do remember feeling special and feeling like the favorite–I just think I’m too disconnected to accept or really FEEL why I felt that way.

    I do not know what my pre-trauma personality was. All I know from what my stepmom has told me was that I was absolutely angelic, and the apple of everyone’s eye. But, then how did things go so awry? I always felt out of place even in my own skin (and sometimes to this day too) bc I had a day-time persona of bubbly, cheerful, ambitious, and intelligent child and teen and then a pained, fearful home-time persona. I have always been jealous of my brother, because as I excelled in EVERYTHING to please my parents, the game would change, and I could never get it right. My brother (half) is the protected one. And when I asked my stepmom three years ago why she protected my brother and not me, she replied, “because he is my son, and you’re not my child”. I guess if she diverted the abuse to me, that would leave my brother unscathed. I’m starting to feel physically ill and feeling too many feelings, so I’m going to go work on containment. Tty in a few mins when I’m grounded and composed.

    Ps-I love how you are with your nephews. I’m so glad it’s therapeutic and enjoyable for you and for your littles.

    “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -Anonymous

    ~Protect Your Joy

    • Protect your Joy,

      Thanks for commenting.

      You said something very intresting that I don’t think I have ever thought of.”I do not know what my pre-trauma personality was”. I don’t know if I had enough time to develop a perrsonailty. Which I should feel something as I say that but I don’t.

      I am so sorry that your stepmother didn’t protect you. Familes even step-familes are suppose to protect each other. But sometimes, they dont. Sometimes familes don’t do what they are suppose to do and that means someone gets hurt.

      Even though she diverted the abuse to you doesn’t mean the abuse was something that you disevered. All children disevere to be innocent and care free, and most importantly to be safe. A persons childhood is the groundwork for the rest of their life. I think if you don’t feel safe as a child you grow up never feeling safe.

      Now you are an adult and not a child anymore. You can find things, people, places that make you feel safe. I think it takes a long time to find saftey, as I continue to look for it in my life.

      I’m not sure where or how childhood gets all twisty but all that confusion can change peoples lives.

      Take Care. Be Well.

  2. Hi, “Hope” –

    I agree that kids, in all their innocence, provide a connection back to our time of innocence.

    I’m sorry you are having to deal with all of this — but, there are gifts that come with winning each little battle — like, compassion for others and an greater appreciation for the small stuff.

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

    • Marie,

      Thanks for commenting, its good to hear from you.

      I use the same type of communication skills that I use with my little mosters to talk to my littlest insiders. So in that respect I am thankful for their presents in my life.

      We are scared of kids but its very differnt with the boys because I have seen them since they were born. I feel like I could never hurt them.

      I think that every thing we experience in our lives shapes us. When anyone experiences something trammatic they can look at life differntly.

      I do agree, that I have developed a greater compassion for everything. I think that it will help me later in life as enter my psychology career.

      Take Care. Be Well.

      Hope

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