As I sit in my room listening to my sister and my mom talk very loudly about my sister’s future. I am jealous, very jealous.
She tells her she is so smart you are going to have a great life with your boyfriend. Take one day at a time. Nothing happens over night. I sit here laughing to myself at what my mother is saying to her. My mom is fake..she lets people see that she’s the “perfect mother”.
My therapist sees through that..thank god! He’s one of the first people to do that, makes me feel a whole lot less crazy. He sees her manipulative tactics, as well as her avoidant of everything. Mother is one of the reasons why the abuse went on so long, I think.
I have thought long and hard about this for weeks, and months. I just need to say this so I can try to breathe.
I understand that I was abused severely as a child, I get that and I’m thinking about accepting that. I get how a girl is supposed to act, I see my sister..she’s perfect. I even get that shitty things happen to people. I understand trauma stuff, I study it. All that stuff I fully get.
But what I don’t get is how they refuse to acknowledge that I am their kid too. I know I am their biggest mistake and disappointment. They think it is their job to protect the rest of my so-called family from me. Protect them from what I say, what I do. I know I am bad. I messed up a lot. And I will be saying sorry forever. But it means nothing to them.
Why must they never protect me, I needed protection. I am an outsider intruding on their lives. I don’t fit in. Sometimes I want to scream out and say “love me, accept me, protect me”. But I don’t.
My therapists are waiting for me to let out something, let out a feeling, perhaps cry? Yet I stay composed and I am not sure why..