Love Me, Accept Me, Protect Me

As I sit in my room listening to my sister and my mom talk very loudly about my sister’s future. I am jealous, very jealous.

She tells her she is so smart you are going to have a great life with your boyfriend. Take one day at a time. Nothing happens over night. I sit here laughing to myself at what my mother is saying to her. My mom is fake..she lets people see that she’s the “perfect mother”.

My therapist sees through that..thank god! He’s one of the first people to do that, makes me feel a whole lot less crazy. He sees her manipulative tactics, as well as her avoidant of everything. Mother is one of the reasons why the abuse went on so long, I think.

I have thought long and hard about this for weeks, and months. I just need to say this so I can try to breathe.

I understand that I was abused severely as a child, I get that and I’m thinking about accepting that. I get how a girl is supposed to act, I see my sister..she’s perfect. I even get that shitty things happen to people.  I understand trauma stuff, I study it. All that stuff I fully get.

But what I don’t get is how they refuse to acknowledge that I am their kid too. I know I am their biggest mistake and disappointment. They think it is their job to protect the rest of my so-called family from me. Protect them from what I say, what I do. I know I am bad. I messed up a lot. And I will be saying sorry forever. But it means nothing to them.

Why must they never protect me, I needed protection. I am an outsider intruding on their lives. I don’t fit in. Sometimes I want to scream out and say “love me, accept me, protect me”. But I don’t.

My therapists are waiting for me to let out something, let out a feeling, perhaps cry? Yet I stay composed and I am not sure why..

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3 thoughts on “Love Me, Accept Me, Protect Me

  1. Hi Hope,

    I can understand that feeling. I was one of those abused children, one that was a stark contrast to other siblings and the supposed image my mother abuser liked to project and the kind of mother she pretended that she was. Often there is an abused child and a protected child(s) in the same nuclear family. And sometimes all of them are abused but they play very strict roles in the dysfunctional family systems. I look at some of my siblings and see they were sexually abused and others I look at and don’t know. The facts are none of them got out of there without a lot of damage, whether that is obvious to them and others, or not. No one does. Not even the princesses. They are often fucked up, idealized, and unable to feel a real feeling. I’m sorry you were hurt so much and that you aren’t feeling about it, but it will come, as you are able to feel it, process it, deal with it, and heal. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. Kate,

    Thankyou for comment. I do see the strict roles in my family.

    I have a very traditional italian family. Boys are the greatest thing, Girls are suppose to be very gracious and delicate beings. I am something in between a girl and a boy so its confusing.

    I really do not fit that role in my family structure. And sometimes familys will turn their back on you because they don’t like what you say.

    I am too sorry that you were abused, I am sorry that we had to experience that amount of pain that caused us to become multiple. But we are doing what we can, thats all you can do..i guess.

    Take Care

  3. Hey Hope,
    I hope you don’t mind me responding to what Kate mentioned. Kate, you said, “Often there is an abused child and a protected child(s) in the same nuclear family.” That is the case with my family. Oddly enough, I was the “golden girl”, the “shining star” to the rest of my extended family & to our community. But, within our very comfortable, middle-class home, I was the abused, and my younger (half-)brother was the protected. I was to be the star they could show off in every aspect, Cinderella, and their punching bag. I asked my stepmother three years ago why she protected my brother, and not me. When she married my father, we were supposed to be a family, that’s what they vowed. I was the apple of her eye until she gave birth to my brother. Then as he grew older (there is a 7 and 1/2 year age gap btw us), she saw the effect of what my father was doing to us, and began to shield my brother. I will admit that I am envious, yet at the same time, grateful at least one of us was spared. Again, when I asked her why me and not him, she replied, “because he is my son, and you are not my child.” I think of all the volumes of hurtful things she has said to me over the years, that was most hurtful. It provided tangible evidence to the many ways they made it known that I was less-than-human according to them.

    And I agree with you, Hope, all we can do is keep on keeping on. Thriving is the best revenge.

    Love,
    Joy, et al.

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