Ever since I found out 3 years ago, I have been “sick”. However, what does sick mean? I think it means something is wrong internally. I think that using the word sick is a wrong choice of terminology. I am not sick I am broken. Everything has become broken, relationships, trust and family.
Being multiple has created this trap or circle that I cannot seem to escape. DID causes me to be stuck, within my living arrangements because if I move out my family will no longer pay for therapy. My therapist he doesn’t take any type of insurance. I desperately need to move out of my house because its so toxic. I ruined their image of the perfect family with my secret.
I feel really confused because my family is basically telling me to “just get over it” and therapy is telling me to take my time and heal. And I have people inside telling me all sorts of things. But I cant get back from here, I am stuck inside this circle ever since I took on the identity of being multiple. And I don’t like it.
I wish I never told my truth. I wish I could have just kept it inside. I want to be accepted a just a normal person and not just seen as a big secret in my family. My siblings don’t like me because I don’t follow mommy and daddy’s rules of to just look perfect. I want people on my side, believing me and believing that I am in pain. I need support from my family and I don’t think I will ever get it.
For the first time in my life I am being real. And no one wants to see me be real. My family is all about secrets. My brothers are put on a pedestal as if they are the greatest thing ever. My sister acts like shes stupid or uneducated. And I don’t do what girls in my family are suppose to do. I don’t fit in at all. I guess I have to just accept the invalidation.
At this moment I really do not like being multiple. Ever since I was acknowledged as DID, my life has changed. My life would be so different if I was a singleton.