Broken

Ever since I found out 3 years ago, I have been “sick”. However, what does sick mean? I think it means something is wrong internally. I think that using the word sick is a wrong choice of terminology.  I am not sick I am broken. Everything has become broken, relationships, trust and family.

Being multiple has created this trap or circle that I cannot seem to escape. DID causes me to be stuck, within my living arrangements because if I move out my family will no longer pay for therapy.  My therapist he doesn’t take any type of insurance. I desperately need to move out of my house because its so toxic. I ruined their image of the perfect family with my secret.

I feel really confused because my family is basically telling me to “just get over it” and therapy is telling me to take my time and heal.  And I have people inside telling me all sorts of things. But I cant get back from here, I am stuck inside this circle ever since I took on the identity of being multiple. And I don’t like it.

I wish I never told my truth. I wish I could have just kept it inside. I want to be accepted a just a normal person and not just seen as a big secret in my family. My siblings don’t like me because I don’t follow mommy and daddy’s rules of to just look perfect.  I want people on my side, believing me and believing that I am in pain. I need support from my family and I don’t think I will ever get it.

For the first time in my life I am being real. And no one wants to see me be real. My family is all about secrets. My brothers are put on a pedestal as if they are the greatest thing ever. My sister acts like shes stupid or uneducated. And I don’t do what girls in my family are suppose to do. I don’t fit in at all. I guess I have to just accept the invalidation.

At this moment I really do not like being multiple. Ever since I was acknowledged as DID, my life has changed. My life would be so different if I was a singleton.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Broken

  1. “Letters to a Young Poet”-Rilke

    Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

  2. I’m sorry that so much that is not good has happened to you since you are working on healing and accepting being multiple. Sick and abusive families love their secrets and are particularly cruel to those members who refuse to take part in all the lies. I’m sorry that happens. I know how much pain that causes. I validate you. I know that is something that many survivors have given me and that it has meant so much to me and helped me as I heal. I hope that you have lots of validation from others and that it helps as much. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  3. Hi Hope,

    The only way I could ever start to heal was to do it without my family and to get to the stage of acknowledging any “truth” about my past or the DID I had to be not-living-with-them for 15 years so its extremely brave of you to try this while still living with them and being under their influence. All you can do is try and protect the therapy and the healing and not let them hurt you any more.

    Petr.

    • Petrogenic,

      Thanks for the encouragement. It is difficult because when I go to therapy there isnt enough time to talk about everything thats going on in the present family life.

      So I just focus of DID stuff. Because if I didnt I think I would feel like I was going no where. I know that talking about family might help me but I dont think if will help.

      I am changing but my family will stay the same. Thats where its fustrating. But I know its a lost cause.

      But I am working on getting away from my family like not living with them. I have to be able to pay for therapy before I can do that. So thats where I am stuck at the moment.

      Take Care

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s