5 seconds

This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.

At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.

I haven’t harmed myself in years, but I have felt more driven to it than ever. I found myself thinking about how I could get my hands on my tools of choice. I keep going through the scenario in my head. I already know what’s it’s going to feel like – it’s a small release and then I feel defeated.

I remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.

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2 thoughts on “5 seconds

  1. Please can you write it out? Something is setting you on this path. Like a grain of sand in your shoe that becomes a bouldar. It seems to me I do it as self-punishment. I don’t cut, but my methods can be just as devestating, so please know I am not condemming in any way. Try follow the trail backwards, if that makes sense. It will give you mind something to do to offset the urges.That way your mind has a goal in line with your life now. Figuring out where it started so you can fix it. Hope this helps. Rest gently please. Dusty

  2. I feel like it’s similar with other addictions or addictive behaviors and that various triggers (known and unknown) can inspire the urge to self-harm even after years of not engaging in these behaviors. Do you think your anxiety is triggering the self-harm thoughts? Heightened anxiety can be a big trigger for me.

    Like Dusty wrote, figuring out what is triggering these thoughts can be the next step to intervening. Take care.

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