I often refer to the process of healing from my abuse as a journey. I found that referring to the process as a journey helps me to understand that this portion of my life is going to change me. I have learned more in the last 2 years than I have throughout my entire life. I have grown so much as a person and communicator because of the in-depth therapy.
As I go deeper into this journey, I have allowed myself to release some deep secrets of mine. Secrets that were only secrets due to fear from my abusers.
I find myself looking at my surroundings sometimes and just having feelings of disbelief that I was once in a cult. It’s not denial, I think that it has taken me so long to finally comprehend my past. I now know almost everything from my past, which is bittersweet.
The last and deepest memories are the most healing. Even though I do feel closure, I have this sadness that at times feels overwhelming. The last memories were about sibling abuse and the most difficult thing is the sounds that I have been replaying in my mind nearly my entire life, but until I connected my past the sounds were meaningless.
I am so thankful for the love that I have been able to feel from my therapist. There are times when words are useless. But when I uncovered my sibling abuse memories, I looked at my therapist as her eyes filled with tears and I knew that she truly cared about me because she just held me. I knew that she really did stay with me throughout this entire process because I was so afraid that my alters were going to chase her away.
But allowing myself to trust the process has lead me to finally feel love.
As I continue to work with my alters on becoming one, I know that I no longer have to carry the heavy burden of my memories alone any longer. I guess this is my bittersweet beginning- and I think it’s safe to say that the rest of my life is going to be amazing.