I think that there are times that; I allow people get close to me because I have this hope that they will be different. However, by expecting that I am attempting to defy the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing, and expecting different results.
I often seek validations for my feelings where is it not needed. I do not need a legitimate reason to be upset because feelings are real and pure emotion. I live in a world where I feel. I am present in my body nearly every moment.
I have a fear of having needs and I try to do as much as possible to not have needs or bother others. In addition, I have a hard time telling the difference between needy behavior and behavior required to be a human. I am very much a healthy human being with some typical needs.
But I have this one need that is so deep and centered around my abuse that is utterly confusing. I have a need to be mothered, I need physical contact. I want to be held and rocked because my childhood lack of any kind of nurturing behavior.
I have people in my life that nurture me in the form of loving support. I am so thankful for those people and those moments in my life that I constantly replay for comfort. I’m not sure if many people truly hold on so tightly to the seconds that occur when hugging another person. I didn’t touch people for a very long time because for a while all touch felt bad but my life is so very different now. I savor those moments of physical contact with others.
My life has changed so much in the last 5 years and I am so thankful for every point in this journey even the terrible times. But I have let go a lot of anger and hurt and replaced it with love for both myself and my alters. I learned to forgive the past and let go of the concept that I could control any of the past.
I realized that many of my immediate family members cannot let go because I think that concept of their past is too difficult is too heavy to bear. Burdens of the past are hard to bear but it is okay to let them go and release them into the universe.
It has taken me so long to forgive my family for not protecting me. I forgave them because I couldn’t hold on to that anymore. For some reason my family can’t let go of my actions as a direct effect of my past. I did attempt to take my life many times; because I was trying to escape the memories of the past but for some reason, I lived through it all. There is a reason why I am still on this earth and I do not think it is because I am supposed to take on the burden of my past actions.
The truth is scary for many but the truth may be the only real thing at times. And it does set you free if you allow it.