Today I told my therapist the memory that I have pushed down for the longest. As I was speaking the words I felt tears running down my face. The only thing that I could feel was a feeling of being free. It took a lot of energy and emotional strength to push this particular memory down. And now I don’t have to be the only one in the world that knows- there’s someone else who can be there as I face this difficult point in my life.
I think that verbally expressing a memory is both painful and freeing. When I heard myself speak the words -I actually began to feel- something I hadn’t done in a very long time.
I felt both sorry and thankful for my alters. I was finally able to appreciate them as they are. I get so frustrated with them much of the time but today I realized how important they are in my life.
After I got home my heart just started to hurt. I have never experienced that feeling about my own past but I think that it’s important that I finally allowed myself to feel something.
For the longest time I tried to pretend like this part of my past did not exist because it was too painful. As everything started to come together I had a realization that these things did happen to me. Things started to make sense in an eerie way and I push these memories farther and farther down. I could feel the fear everyday and breathing became difficult.
But now I can breath easier because I am not alone with my truth. Today when my therapist called me an abused child I just broke down because it’s just the truth and it hurts. The past hurt me so very much but the future doesn’t have to be like that anymore because today I spoke my truth and I am free.
This song is so comforting to me right now so I thought I would share.
Good for you that you found the strength to discuss such a difficult topic! I am glad that you found so freeing. I have had similar feelings as well. I find that before I talk about something it seems so difficult and scary, but whenI do, though it hurts (sadness, etc), it is a pain that feels “oh so good” necause it is like ridding myself of toxins! Also, like you said, I am not alone in dealing with it anymore. I also feel like it is not sitting inside my soul stewing and brewing anymore. Despite this revelation, it took me a long time to really get it, so repeatedly I would refrain from talking about something even though I knew once I did I would feel so much better. It took a good number of times for that to finally sink in. My personal favorite work was EMDR because it broke through the dissociation barrier for me and allowed me to cry. Words cannot express how amazing that felt. I literally felt like I was purging my soul. I just wanted my tears to keep coming and spew across the room. Yes, it was painful, but again, it was a pain that felt so good to release. I am happy for you.
Lothlorien